An Identity Crises

Six weeks ago I handed in my letter of resignation to the school that I was working at. I don't actually think that I needed to do that seeing as I was still on a temporary contract, but I wanted to do something to mark the event and explain myself a bit. The truth of it all was that I was turning into a grumpy, cynical and sarcastic old man. Every day I was trying to press on through a barrage of abuse and difficult circumstances and coming home well and truly the worse for it. So now I'm not working as a teacher anymore. It still feels so weird to even write that. I was teaching for only 3 years, yet it resounds well with me. Resounds well with my outlook on life and attitude towards what life/work should be about.

Am I a failure? Perhaps I'd have to say yes. I came up against a situation that I couldn't actually press through and succeed in. I totally thought that God being God was supposed to bring me through those events and challenges. That's a bit of a challenge to my perspective of God as well I guess.

I say 'Identity Crises' due to the idea that since I have begun my 'break' (I don't know if it's terminal yet) from teaching I have struggled with the notion of 'who am I?'. If I'm not a teacher, what exactly do I call myself? How long will I answer the question "What do you do?" with...
"Well up until __ weeks/months/years ago I was a teacher".

It's weird and I feel a bit lost and confused.

I took a week off

Two weeks into the term we shot over to France for a bit of snow and sun. It was blinking amazing. 8 whole days of enjoying the empty but very snowy slopes of Le Grand Bornand. I snowboarded down beside an avalanche, through snow frosted pine trees, and glided effortlessly over freshly laid powder. But all good things must come to an end. Upon my return to school I was collectively with a broken leg, getting over a family tragedy and worst of all...dead -all according to the imagination of the cover teacher that covered for me while I was away...what a rascal! The kids made me pay all week for leaving for my break, but absolutely worth the sacrifice. Loved it.

Ice Skating, Cristmas trees, Yoyos and Little Brothers

So Christmas has come and gone it seems. Just want to share a few special happenings.

The first made my month finishing off at school. After 15 weeks of 'challenging' kids, I decided to tag along with the year 8's on their year group outdoor ice skating trip down in Greenwich instead of marking books. I loved it, all these kids that I've struggled with all term coming up to me "Sir can I skate round with you this time". I'm looking forward to my return to school now in some funny way.

The second was my free Christmas tree, left outside a primary school by Victoria station. It was a bit too tall though so I had to chomp through it with my Leatherman, picking up a few interesting looks and comments throughout the ordeal. But after dragging it home and propping it up I was quite satisfied with the priceless aquisition.

My third was my yoyo. I got a yoyo from my lucious Lucy. So I'm rocking the cradle and walking the dog quite happily at the moment.

The forth choice thing that makes the list has been my little brother Andrew who's come over for a visit. He's so cool to have around and it's so nice just hanging out. We played rugby yesterday for the Old Alleynians, we both got a few tries. After not having played together for about 5 years we managed to find each other now and again.

So that's me. We're off to Windsor tomorrow to visit her majesty. Then spotting some sparkly things in the sky come midnight, followed by a 5 day trip around the the south coast in a wee rental car. Sweet as.

The Disorientating effect of a Northern Hemisphere Winter

It's only 16 days till Christmas, but I am feeling awkward on a few different levels. First it's supposed to be hot and I'm supposed to be at the beach. All around me is supposed to be a bright crimson backdrop of Pohutakawa trees flowering. School is supposed to be breaking up for 6 weeks, and my feet are supposed to pop out of their shoes in a green puff and slip wetly into my jandels as soon as I get in from work.

The reality is, it's cold, we're eating delicious hot roasts and yum soups. I'm ducking from bus to train to bus to bus to avoid raindrops, the trees are skeletal and no one has jandels on. When I get home, I massage my toes to get the blood running through them once more and then eagerly pop them into a nice warm pair of slippers.

And then there is the sun. In winter time down under when I look to the east (not religiously or anything...just trying to make a point) the winter sun is supposed to be a bit lower in the sky on my left hand side (learning moment: Towards the equator), but in this crazy winter up here when I am looking to the East (for the sake of argument) the sun is in fact low to the horizon on my RIGHT HAND SIDE. A trivial matter you might think, but pause and ponder the implications for my delicate at the best of times sense of direction here. Midday when I subconsciously feel as if I'm facing east with the sun on my left hand side, I'm actually well and truly facing west. Craziness!!!!

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my wife says that if I have 3 posts before christmas she'll link to me again.

...and a few weeks on.

Someone asked me today at school, "why are you still here?". I wonder why quietly. I used to work for a Christian group called Student Life on a university campus, when I first started I wondered if I could work with a group that had 'To change the world' in it's vision statement. I find that really hard to imagine. Yet surely that's why we do anything, to try and positively influence our little part of our ginormous world. My wife Lucy has really helped me to see that changing the world is not just some mythical unattainable dream, because she's doing it most days of the week. I'm praying pretty much everyday now that God can help me try and do it too. Being a follower of Jesus I've got a bit of an advantage in that respect.

Redemption

I wanted to quit teaching for ever it seemed about 5 weeks ago. I don't really know why, I just had had enough. It makes me a little mad all those ads in NZ and even here in the UK about teaching being this totally fantastically wonderful thing to do if you're fed up with earning tonnes of money doing a seemingly pointless job. Teaching for me has to be a calling. And I guess, no actually I know that that is why I'm going to try and stick it out. The kids in my classes are naughty... oh so so naughty. They swear at me, yell at me, push me, cause me to face the whiteboard and swear under my breath very very quietly. But I'm going to try and stick with them. Convince myself, and hopefully them too, that I am committed